[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!