Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh