NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Oh the world we live in…
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Hank is one in a melon.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.