Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
A ghost story
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
“i miss shittin on people”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….