Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages