[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
B
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.