[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”