China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?