On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.