Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
life finds a way
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.