Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You Might Also Like
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
BETRAYAL
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Broom by every window for quick escape.
wtf is a larm clock?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.