ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
He’s cranky this morning
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
meow
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident