Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Born to be mild.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Nice try, poison.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket