I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You Might Also Like
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me buying fruit and veg
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
? 💀