ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
im all 3
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow