Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.