Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Imma just leave this here…………
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.