Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member