If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Does it…does it take 3 days
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Doggies just call it style.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something