My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.