getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Flowers bee like
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.