Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
my mind
You just read my mind
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too