Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️