Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.