Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Very good! 👍😂
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?