It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
This could be us… but you playing
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Me trying to walk in a dream
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out