fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Wake me when AI does housework
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not