Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”