Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Just a reminder, folks:
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”