Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Life is a suicide mission.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice