Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.