Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers