How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Every photo I’m tagged in
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.