Flock of bats
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
They’re the worst 😩
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
when you are just born a rebel
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?