Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“What movie?” 🤔
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Home is where your toilet is.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?