Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.