#catsoftwitter
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Put this video in the Louvre
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.