I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I ate everything, including the H.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.