I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
True?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.