me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
This meal prepping shit is easy
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
favorite tropes as memes
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.