Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?