I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks