Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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Whoa 😂
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect