My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
only 11 steps left
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*