Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
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I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this