IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
mood
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.