– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind