Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away