no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary