Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Venn
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.